Week 35: Billie Holiday – Lady Sings The Blues

20 Apr

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I finished work! The moment I’ve been crawling towards for the last few weeks like a dying beetle has finally arrived. The relief is colossal. I never knew I could feel so tired and broken. Maybe it’s preparation for being a little old lady one day. There is certainly a similar level of tea drinking and biscuit eating going on.

As well as feeling relieved, the sense of transition has taken me be surprise. I have my feet in two worlds now, not really wholly in either. My relationships with the people around me are changing, with virtually everyone. Some people have nothing to say to me anymore, to some I am just a baby-vessel they have nothing in common with, some are wistful as if I have been lost somehow, some are excited, some are fascinated, some (a very few) are just exactly as they always were. Predictably I am being drawn closer into my own family, in-laws suddenly dancing round me like I’m sitting on a golden egg, my own parents over-emotional and more interested in me than they have been since I was in bermuda shorts. My Mum  left tearful today as she won’t see me again until I am to someone else what she is to me.

The world is moving around me even though I feel like I’m standing still. It’s a strange and dizzying sensation. People moving closer, people stepping back. I’m not honestly sure how much is real and how much is in my hormone-addled, over-sensitive brain.

Perhaps the trick is not to care too much about any of it, real or imagined. Maybe life is teaching me to have patience and rely a bit more on myself. To forge out into the unknown with nothing more than my (radically depleted) wits and a bit of faith in my own instinct instead of constantly building a picture of myself through other people’s eyes. Maybe that’s a pretty good kick-off for some confident parenting.

Billie Holiday is great thinking music, isn’t she? I promise to talk flippantly about something pointless next week.

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7 Responses to “Week 35: Billie Holiday – Lady Sings The Blues”

  1. joanhunterdunn April 21, 2013 at 3:58 am #

    Congratulations on reaching maternity leave. Almost overnight, returning from Easter holidays has been hard, just as yourself & Esme wrote about. We saw Warmth’s parents last night & they’re off to France for three weeks. Although they’re due back three weeks before the baby is due it was a real jolt to how close we are when his mother said ‘This might be the last time we see you both just as a couple.’ So reading this post is timely. Enjoy Monday morning x

    • tokaipenny April 21, 2013 at 4:09 am #

      Those little milestones start stacking up pretty quickly from now…am starting to look at best before dates wondering if they’ll fall “after”. Hope work isn’t too much of a slog – coming back after a break is astonishingly tough. Take each day as it comes, we’ll be cheering you over the finish line!

      Px

  2. thatdadblog April 21, 2013 at 6:38 am #

    This is a beautiful piece. Hope you keep writing a bit when the baby gets here, if you get the chance!

  3. smileykt April 21, 2013 at 9:42 am #

    I think I fall into the excited/fascinated camp…! And agreed, this is a beautiful bit of writing x

    • tokaipenny April 21, 2013 at 9:47 am #

      Definitely (although mostly the same as before, which is lovely!) Thanks 😉

      Px

  4. Siobhan April 30, 2013 at 12:49 pm #

    I love this post just as it is.

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