Week 30: Stars Of The Lid- And Their Refinement Of The Decline

10 Mar

starsofthelid

I went to Italy and it rained and I slept and that was the best thing for me. I could have done without Tooth Of Doom rearing up halfway through and preventing me from eating The Delicious Things, but a week off work has still been liquid gold and I can’t complain a bit. My Sam is very patient. I’m glad he doesn’t mind being a lazy bones.

Now, however, things are not fun. It’s all about somehow keeping up strength and nutrition on a liquid diet and trying to sleep through the pain and being sick all over the place (why is that? is this first tri again?), which is all really rather annoying as I was quite rested by Wednesday and even felt a bit psychologically prepared for going back to work. I feel wrathful that, as ever, there is so little pain relief that anyone is prepared to say I can take, so I’m having to minor dose in order to get sleep in more than 30 minute blasts. I am unapologetically grumpy and scared. I have never been in this much pain for so long. I dream about codeine and tramadol and I fantasise about smashing my jaw with a hammer or drowning in a long bath, just to have some rest.

I’m choosing music for birthing, which is why I’m listening to this Stars Of The Lid record this week. It’s at the very least interesting to see how fear through pain can be managed, how to relax and think around pain, and how much harder it is to move away from a fear reaction when the pain you’re going through is due to something being wrong with your body rather than a natural process that our bodies have evolved to perform.

This might change nearer the time, but I can honestly say I feel more anxious about how I’ll cope after our baby is born than I feel worried about labour. I feel about labour the way I feel about a long, hard run – I’ll get through it because I want to do it, because I’m completely focused and I want the prize.

This tooth though. This tooth can fuck right off.

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